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Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You-Susan Forward,Donna Frazier

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A practical guide to better communication that will break the blackmail cycle for good, by one of the nation's leading therapists, Susan Forward. "If you really loved me...""After all I've done for you...""How can you be so selfish..."Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They are our mothers, our partners, our bosses and coworkers, our friends and our lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to give themselves the payoff they want: our compliance.Susan Forward knows what pushes our hot buttons. Just as John Gray illuminates the communications gap between the sexes in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and Harriet Lerner describes an intricate dynamic in The Dance of Anger, so Susan Forward presents the anatomy of a relationship damaged by manipulation, and gives readers an arsenal of tools to fight back.

Book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You Review :



I found Emotional Blackmail well-written and helpful. It does a good job of describing the concept, variations of behavior involved, and ways to manage it in terms of how we interact with others. It's clear and direct.Here's what I thought could have been better. We like to think that emotional blackmail is mostly about how other people behave towards us. They act in certain ways that we believe make it difficult for us to do what we really want to do--they "blackmail" us by threatening to act badly if we don't do what they want. And that's true--but only to a point. We all like to believe that the other person is the problem, and we're just the victim of their manipulations, but a lot of what goes into what we call emotional blackmail has little or nothing to do with what other people do; it's caused by patterns of thinking and feeling and behaving IN US, that the other person may, or may not, be manipulating. Jack might find his wife Jill's behavior makes it really hard for him to say no to her, but Fred may be able to quite easily say no to the exact same behavior from Jill, or from his own wife Lucy or from anyone else, because Fred doesn't have the same issues with saying no that Jack has.To be sure, this book does discuss the fact that certain types of people with certain attitudes and backgrounds are more susceptible to emotional blackmail than others. But it tends to focus on the other person as the "blackmailer," when it may be that the other person really isn't the problem, or certainly not the whole problem--the problem is our own inability to say and do what we believe is most appropriate without being swayed by the other person's anticipated or actual reactions. The book would have been more helpful to me had it spent more time helping me adjust my owns views, consider different ways to perceive a situation, and see how I'm unnecessarily getting in my own way instead of focusing so much on the other person's manipulations.Note: If any of what I've said resonates with you, you might want to consider looking at materials about codependency. "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him of her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." (From Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.) When I read that, I thought "I can relate to the first part, but I'm not obsessed with controlling." Then I realized that worrying a lot about whether another person gets angry with you, and altering your behavior to try to avoid that, can lead to constantly trying to control the other person's emotional state to avoid having them get upset.
Great book! I can now see what I thought. Let me explain. My own family didn't do this to us kids growing up. We were happy secure children. But my husbands family..., they were raised with criticism, guilt and so on. So I married into this family not knowing until after the marriage that they were all like this. I didn't know how to handle this, and even after reading this book I struggle with it. They tell me I'm "thin skinned". Nope! I'm not the one with the problem, it's they who have it.I encourage anyone who is struggling like myself to buy this book. It helps you understand so much! Good read!!

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